Malapit na ang graduation.
I have done everything I wanted to do save for one.
One more thing that I want to do before graduation.
Just one more thing.

***

There are a lot of things on my mind lately.
It's not just about trivial schoolwork or orgwork or whatever work.
I'm being bothered by mysteries that envelop my being.
There are these questions that clutter my head but no matter how I think, I can't seem to find answers.
I try to invent new answers but they are not feasible.
I'm being bothered by questions that point to destiny.
How exactly does one fulfill his destiny?
Or by the mere fact that it is destiny, does the person have a hand in it in the first place?
I am pretty sure that there are many people who try to manipulate their destinies.
They try to control it, and fix it according to what they want. They end up ok. Good enough i guess. But is that the way they should really be?
I find myself confused.
I know that I have my own destiny and I want to witness its fulfillment. Although I do not know what it is, I have my preferences.
So, I try to live life to suit my preferential view of destiny.
But lately, I find myself running out of options.
Apparently, destiny is very different from the way I picture it to be, and the common lifestyle that I hoped my preference and my destiny I hoped to have grow more and more far apart.
This left me with a realization last night.
Just when I though that I was running out of options, gray areas, common ground, I realize that maybe it's not for me to choose in the first place.
That no matter what I do, destiny comes in its own pace.
It's all very complicated.
As I run out of options, I grow stronger in my belief of perfect timing.
The way things are going, the timing simply has to be perfect.
I find myself dying of thirst in the middle of a desert. Now I can only hope that at the brink of dying, I stumble over a small boulder, find myself rolling on the sand in random directions - and splashing into an oasis.
If God has to make this plan so complicated, it has to be satisfyingly complicated, because I do not want to have suffered over a shallow series of events.

hello blog
please forget about the crap i used to write. most of them were just based on foolishness and an influx of hormones.
for those who have been wondering, especially my parents and siblings,
here are some of my guidelines accumulated since the time God ruptured my life

I will be attracted to a girl if she can stump me in an intellectual discussion using minimal words (a word, a phrase, even with just a look) without uttering any sort of foul language.
The only time I will court this girl is if she is worth the rest of my life.
If I marry this girl, I can look forward to waking up next to her every morning til I die.

There's a whole lot more.
I'll add more when I clearly think it, and ponder on it.

Whoa!
This is weird
I don't know what's happening but
lately, i've been finding myself strangely
friggin drawn to the same things i was attracted to as a teen
why?
labo

anyway
i had an unbelievable day nung friday, reg day
the process was so fast, i breezed through reg, galing
and then there's louie whom i didn't recognize from afar coz i thought she was a he
and with all the hype about her crossdressing, sobrang nalalabuan na ako sa gender nya
then there's bea, obviously prettier than ever before
and then there's pauline in her girly outfit, at least sure ako na girl sya
i saw some friends and some blockmates
si aldric nasa reg, nakita ko sya nung nagbayad ako sa berch
si calvs nasa ctc, invite ko sana for lunch pero hindi na ako pinansin after saying "hi"
and of course the lovely denise. i don't know why, but i still find her irritatingly charming and difficult to resist. we ate lunch at kenny rogers, and nakita din namin dun si jen tan with her boyfriend.
after lunch i went home na, si denise naggateway pa. gusto ko pa sanang umaligid pero pinauwi na nya ako. :)

i felt school drawing near
i felt excited about school last week but day after day, excitement is turning into fear

nung afternoon, nakuha na ni shobe yun report card nya
it was unbelievable! first honors sya
waw! she was ranked first in her class
na-iinspire tuloy akong mag-exert pa ng effort

some amazing stuff happened pa pero tamad na ako

the start of my sembreak didn't go so well
mehn! i felt... alone
as i have, everytime there's no school
i miss people
i miss talking to intelligent people
i don't have to mumble to myself
for the nth time,
im experiencing withdrawal symptoms
i hope this is the final time
i can't take much more of this

It has been a wonderful september
sayang it flew by so fast
at the end of this month
i learned so many things
i lived so many (infinite actually) moments

i hate philo
i learn so many things outside of class
bagsak naman inside

grabeh
it's so hard being a man
we have the impossible task of controlling those manly desires
we have the impossible task of restraining ourselves
we have the impossible task of waiting
a prominent chickboy-turned-Christian once told me,
"it's so easy to fool girls, play with their emotions, and then dump them,
all you have to do is be extremely romantic, and whisper empty promises"
he made is sound easy, i don't know

im realizing now that waiting is far more difficult than flirting around
it's so hard to keep those barriers up
it's so hard not to give in to feelings

i owe so much to dun sa dalawang Christian girls in admu
even if the other one kissed a girl
they are still great examples of why (Christian) girls are worth waiting for
God had better set apart a great girl, or else magagalit ako

I feel angry

That’s what it is

If she wants to throw philo away, so what?

Her grades do not affect me whatsoever

What she does with her life is none of my concern

If she wants to pierce her face, fine

If she wants to kiss a girl, watever

But really

Why am I so angry at her?

Because

I don’t want to see her fail

I don’t want to see her depressed

I don’t want to see her throwing her life away

I don’t want to see her doing empty meaningless acts

I don’t want to see her destroy herself

I see so very clearly

Up until now

These are selfish concerns

It’s all about me

It’s all about me not wanting to see

It's seems that my entire life's a paradox

she's probably better off without my "so-called" help anyway

Am I of any help now?

In the end

I don’t want to see the girl who keeps my standards stumble

all that crap about waiting

Everything seems pointless now

Everything seems pointless

Grow up ben

It’s not about you