... growl... hirap naman kc ng filipino... nawawala ang jolly mood ko... here i am singing along to "the Chicago story: greatest hits"... napaka-appropriate ng songs sa mood ko ngayon... nowhere near the suicidal tendencies ni calvs, but i'm feelin' down (----> , turned 45 degrees clockwise) ... wow, its such a pathetic attempt to be funny... i'm hoping that typing this blog will help clear things in my head... my cranal cavity is like a halo-halo... nandyan lahat siksik na siksik with stuff, magulo, and with any attempt to sort stuff out, lalong nagiging wasak-wasak... but masarap ang halo-halo, kailangan kong maging optimistic... ito ang magulong buhay na isinusubo ng kamay ng diyos... i dont know kung paano ko mareresolve ang mga challenges na ito... nandyan lang siya in front of me waiting to be touched... here i am on the other side, frozen with fear... fear na i wont be able to present what is expected... damned standards, conventions, ideologies, nakakalimit ito... freedom of choice is dead... im beginning to wonder "if life truly is a product of our choices" or "if choices are the products of situations in life which are intangible by the individual himself"...

"Life is such painful pleasure"

Depression is eminent within me
Thought I don’t feel it, I know that I’ve cracked
It’s a terrible joke played upon by the powers that be
I’m severed, screwed, and apparently sacked

Life is empty, nothing without meaning
I yearn for fun from the days of old
I recognize evil, slowly seeping
But I’ve no strength to struggle out of its hold

Never have I fallen so deep in darkness
I can barely see the way out
Something is restraining me away from goodness
My faith is diminishing and I’m beginning to doubt

"Tell me what man would i be without any meaning" - chicago 19