Nothing Like the Present

2008-10-23T00:27:00.003+08:00

Malapit na ang graduation.
I have done everything I wanted to do save for one.
One more thing that I want to do before graduation.
Just one more thing.

***

2008-06-16T01:11:00.002+08:00

There are a lot of things on my mind lately.
It's not just about trivial schoolwork or orgwork or whatever work.
I'm being bothered by mysteries that envelop my being.
There are these questions that clutter my head but no matter how I think, I can't seem to find answers.
I try to invent new answers but they are not feasible.
I'm being bothered by questions that point to destiny.
How exactly does one fulfill his destiny?
Or by the mere fact that it is destiny, does the person have a hand in it in the first place?
I am pretty sure that there are many people who try to manipulate their destinies.
They try to control it, and fix it according to what they want. They end up ok. Good enough i guess. But is that the way they should really be?
I find myself confused.
I know that I have my own destiny and I want to witness its fulfillment. Although I do not know what it is, I have my preferences.
So, I try to live life to suit my preferential view of destiny.
But lately, I find myself running out of options.
Apparently, destiny is very different from the way I picture it to be, and the common lifestyle that I hoped my preference and my destiny I hoped to have grow more and more far apart.
This left me with a realization last night.
Just when I though that I was running out of options, gray areas, common ground, I realize that maybe it's not for me to choose in the first place.
That no matter what I do, destiny comes in its own pace.
It's all very complicated.
As I run out of options, I grow stronger in my belief of perfect timing.
The way things are going, the timing simply has to be perfect.
I find myself dying of thirst in the middle of a desert. Now I can only hope that at the brink of dying, I stumble over a small boulder, find myself rolling on the sand in random directions - and splashing into an oasis.
If God has to make this plan so complicated, it has to be satisfyingly complicated, because I do not want to have suffered over a shallow series of events.

2008-03-17T00:15:00.002+08:00

hello blog
please forget about the crap i used to write. most of them were just based on foolishness and an influx of hormones.
for those who have been wondering, especially my parents and siblings,
here are some of my guidelines accumulated since the time God ruptured my life

I will be attracted to a girl if she can stump me in an intellectual discussion using minimal words (a word, a phrase, even with just a look) without uttering any sort of foul language.
The only time I will court this girl is if she is worth the rest of my life.
If I marry this girl, I can look forward to waking up next to her every morning til I die.

There's a whole lot more.
I'll add more when I clearly think it, and ponder on it.

2007-11-11T00:11:00.001+08:00

Whoa!
This is weird
I don't know what's happening but
lately, i've been finding myself strangely
friggin drawn to the same things i was attracted to as a teen
why?
labo

anyway
i had an unbelievable day nung friday, reg day
the process was so fast, i breezed through reg, galing
and then there's louie whom i didn't recognize from afar coz i thought she was a he
and with all the hype about her crossdressing, sobrang nalalabuan na ako sa gender nya
then there's bea, obviously prettier than ever before
and then there's pauline in her girly outfit, at least sure ako na girl sya
i saw some friends and some blockmates
si aldric nasa reg, nakita ko sya nung nagbayad ako sa berch
si calvs nasa ctc, invite ko sana for lunch pero hindi na ako pinansin after saying "hi"
and of course the lovely denise. i don't know why, but i still find her irritatingly charming and difficult to resist. we ate lunch at kenny rogers, and nakita din namin dun si jen tan with her boyfriend.
after lunch i went home na, si denise naggateway pa. gusto ko pa sanang umaligid pero pinauwi na nya ako. :)

i felt school drawing near
i felt excited about school last week but day after day, excitement is turning into fear

nung afternoon, nakuha na ni shobe yun report card nya
it was unbelievable! first honors sya
waw! she was ranked first in her class
na-iinspire tuloy akong mag-exert pa ng effort

some amazing stuff happened pa pero tamad na ako

2007-10-16T22:36:00.000+08:00

the start of my sembreak didn't go so well
mehn! i felt... alone
as i have, everytime there's no school
i miss people
i miss talking to intelligent people
i don't have to mumble to myself
for the nth time,
im experiencing withdrawal symptoms
i hope this is the final time
i can't take much more of this

2007-10-01T12:03:00.000+08:00

It has been a wonderful september
sayang it flew by so fast
at the end of this month
i learned so many things
i lived so many (infinite actually) moments

i hate philo
i learn so many things outside of class
bagsak naman inside

grabeh
it's so hard being a man
we have the impossible task of controlling those manly desires
we have the impossible task of restraining ourselves
we have the impossible task of waiting
a prominent chickboy-turned-Christian once told me,
"it's so easy to fool girls, play with their emotions, and then dump them,
all you have to do is be extremely romantic, and whisper empty promises"
he made is sound easy, i don't know

im realizing now that waiting is far more difficult than flirting around
it's so hard to keep those barriers up
it's so hard not to give in to feelings

i owe so much to dun sa dalawang Christian girls in admu
even if the other one kissed a girl
they are still great examples of why (Christian) girls are worth waiting for
God had better set apart a great girl, or else magagalit ako

2007-09-13T08:13:00.000+08:00

I feel angry

That’s what it is

If she wants to throw philo away, so what?

Her grades do not affect me whatsoever

What she does with her life is none of my concern

If she wants to pierce her face, fine

If she wants to kiss a girl, watever

But really

Why am I so angry at her?

Because

I don’t want to see her fail

I don’t want to see her depressed

I don’t want to see her throwing her life away

I don’t want to see her doing empty meaningless acts

I don’t want to see her destroy herself

I see so very clearly

Up until now

These are selfish concerns

It’s all about me

It’s all about me not wanting to see

It's seems that my entire life's a paradox

she's probably better off without my "so-called" help anyway

Am I of any help now?

In the end

I don’t want to see the girl who keeps my standards stumble

all that crap about waiting

Everything seems pointless now

Everything seems pointless

Grow up ben

It’s not about you

2007-09-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

"LOOK"

WHEN OTHERS LOOK
time has passed and still people wonder
"How's it going" is the twinkle in their eye
and their lashes bat with utmost curiosity
"why?!" they ask
rather, "why not?!" they insist
"It's obvious,
It's true,
You can't deny it, so just admit it
Give in to our ways, and you'll love it"
don't be such a sissy,
go get what you want
be a man

WHEN I LOOK
What the?!
No,
I do, but no
only i saw what i did
only i can feel what i can
they ask "why not"
i say "its not going to be me"
besides
stop bugging me
about that
im not ready
i used to think that i was
but that thought in itself, makes me unready
i don't want to be just a man

LOOK
she's changed
there's a different sparkle in her eyes
she's not the girl i fell in love with anymore
she became an ordinary star that got lost in the vast emptiness of space

2007-08-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

Roar!
First time in my life!
For the first time in my life!
im gonna rant
i guess i was influenced by louie on this one

Roar!
i hate the strong rains!
i hate it soooooooo much!
i despise it!
i abhor it!
i rebuke it with vengeance!
i hate it soooooooooo much!
hate! hate! hate!

i hate schoolwork
i hate projects
i hate experiments
i hate research work
i hate philosophy
i hate theology
i hate experimental psych
hate! hate! hate!
they are soooooooooo complicated!
they are making my mind crash!
i hate school
i hate ateneo
i hate third year
i hate college
i hate meetings
i hate group reports
i hate everything
i hate this moment in my life
i hate what im turning into
i hate this negative attitude
i hate it
i hate it so much
i hate having to go through so much stress and suffering
i hate having a hard time fixing my problems
i hate being inadequate
i hate being inferior
i hate being incapable
i hate being able to be a great person but so far from it
i hate not being the person i should be
i hate not being able to understand why i have to go through this
i hate it
i hate it sooo much

*i meant everything i said here, but emotions pass... in that moment, i was angry, and i let it consume me...

now that i have boiled down, there's really only a few things that bother me
1. i want to be a great person, a mighty man of God... but it doesn't come easily, i have to work really really really hard to deserve it
2. i have lots of friends, but i still feel lonely oftentimes
3. i love certain people a bit too much, and it's causing me pain... a lot of pain

i see a pothole on the ground
i know its there
i know its dangerous
i try to veer away from it
but it's as if my feet were drawn to it
i step in it
i stumble
i fall
and it hurts

2007-07-21T00:44:00.000+08:00

I'm sensing some pretty weird things from my sister lately
She's even more hard to understand than ever before
Minsan sobrang grumpy
other times medyo malambing
could it be? could it be that my sister is starting to fall in love?

2007-07-01T23:51:00.000+08:00

Hold me in your arms
Never let me go

Waaaaaaah! Lord!
Parang nabubuhay na naman yun pinatay mo sakin
You shot it 4 times already and counting
Parang nagiging immune na nga eh
Palitan mo kaya ng mas matinding bala?

Go ahead,
I can take it
I have to take it

There comes a time when enough is enough
The time to decide is now
I made the decision
I have to keep making it

2007-06-28T07:55:00.000+08:00

And all i found is You, My God.

I experienced God way more than usual kahapon
Yesterday, something of this world died in me
*bang* shot dead
tinira ni Lord
for quite sometime, ive been praying to release something within me
release! i meant release kay God,
but no
pinatay niya, so i don't think its coming back
and as if, all the timing was perfect
He filled that dead space within me almost immediately
waw...
God hugged me
God is hugging me
and it felt so nice
para na akong nagfofloat
i can only wish that im hugging Him back

don't ever let me go
don't ever let me go, God

2007-05-28T22:03:00.001+08:00

wow
wow talaga
ang sarap ng victory weekend mehn
as in wow

ive never felt so victorious in my life
so free, so empowered
sobrang liberating

ive never felt God so strongly living in me ever before
grabeh! wala na, nothing can ever compare to that feeling
sobrang humbling yet empowering at the same time
para bang a great weight has been lifted from me
para akong natipsy ng hindi umiinom
nawala yun defeated state ko and napalitan ng victorious one

yun laying of the hands time
grabeh, lahat ng mga kasama ko nagsimulang magtongues
pambihira, ako walang sound na lumalabas pero my lips were moving on its own
sabi ng pastor okei lang daw, lalabas din yan when the time comes
tapos parang nanlamig and naparalyze yun katawan ko
wow
sana naman hindi siya demonic manifestation
sana yun Holy Spirit lang yun
hehehe

fun part na yun water baptism
ayus lang yun unang lubog
para sakin talaga yun

tapos nagrequest ba naman na lubugin pa ko ng ilang beses para daw sa video
hahaha, pambihira, laff trip
so in total, nabaptize ata ako ng six times
sa isang araw
ay nako

pero sarap paren ng feeling
Christian na Christian na ako
hahaha! yeah! i love it!

okei, solve na ako
So, from now on, ibang tao naman
yeah, sa admu, that's my place
i feel God telling me to go there
yeah!

2007-05-02T22:05:00.000+08:00

WARWEEK!!!
is over... boo!!!
pero, wow!
oh my gee, my gosh!
i love my christian friends/family
grabeh!!
i love them sooooooooooo much!
as in waw!
we can talk all we want about our favorite topic in the world
GOD!
woohoo!
waw
super duper kong daming natutunan!
and grabeh! ang sarap talagang iworship si God!
and yun Word! oh boy!
tagos sa puso!
mehn! i love my roomates!
si e.r., robby, sean, and ricky
grabeh!
sobrang saya ng company nila
sobrang tagal narin akong hindi nakaexperience ng all-boys company
ibang klase, sobrang free-flowing ng conversion pati ang mga hirit
hahaha!

and si God
my God!
grabeh! damang dama kita Lord!
just the other day, i gave to You Lord my 100% commitment
and i seriously plan to live up to that commitment
sobrang mahal na mahal kita Lord
for all the things You've done for me
i'm nothing, i don't deserve anything
i spoke against You dati, but you showed me mercy
i was isolated and down, but You surrounded me with overflowing love
I Love You God

Meron na kong idadagdag sa mga mottos ko
"Here I am Lord! Send Me!"

Here i am enveloped by God
Surrounded by faith
With passion burning, consuming

The breeze was cool, relaxing
The lake, so calm, so serene
The moon shines at its brightest
and the stars complement its beauty

But fire burns within me
my sight extended to those who need
my hands yearn to reach out
my heart seeks to love

who am i to amount to anything?
im unworthy, im incompetent
But Lord, if you please
Here I am, send me

2007-04-09T21:07:00.000+08:00

Yeah!
Yeah!
Boo!
Boo!

wahahahah!
The yeahs are for God!
wahahaha!
yeah!
The boos
well...
they're for the perfectly decent and good people who were with the cruise with me
in singapore, who, will ultimately, burn in hell
boo!
haay
kaya pala
i see what could possibly drive missionaries
there they were good people
all of them
i was looking at them
because of their ignorance
are they really going to that place of unquenching fire and starved worms
wow
i can't help but pity them
although
pity does nothing
if only people would listen
hay
Help me God

2007-03-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

Waaaah!
Grabeh tong friday na to
Ibang klase
Sorry na God!!!
I'm very sorry!
I learned the lesson you taught me na

First - Di ko nakuha ang grade ko sa Dev Psy, ang tagal kase ng lunchbreak ni mam annette
Second - I took a wrong lane to Robinson's kaya i got lost and ended up way down in guadalupe near the toll entry towards alabang, and then a few more wrong turns, wow! road trip ako ng mag-isa along EDSA... kumusta naman yon
Third - Dahil don, pinahintay ko ng mag-isa si Leanne for about an hour... I HATE being late... It bothers people tuloy
Fouth - Yeah! Nanood kami ng TMNT! waw! ang ganda! na-touch ako dun sa part na biglang naging humble si Raphael! waw! that's so much pride to swallow... kaya ko kaya yun? wahaha!
Fifth - Yeah! Youth Service! I Love It! Love ko 'to! wahaha! it is WITHOUT A DOUBT the best place to be during Friday nights!

2007-03-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

Ever felt like something died inside of you?
It's like someone or something sucked the life out of you
and now, that's just it
what's left
darkness

So many things you can do to cover it up
So many lies, deceit
Truth left unspoken

Truth kept silent
Truth
Can you even recognize it?

2007-03-26T12:28:00.000+08:00

I talk too much...

pinagsabihan na ako ni God kagabi
something something "in the multitude of words, sin is not lacking"

ayan
so now...

i'm gonna keep silent

2007-03-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

Wow. Whatta nice day.
Ang hirap talagang makalaban si louie sa mind games, or intellectual battles, or mental challenges, or watever.
obviously
i was outclassed... paren
pero, minsan ko lang naeexercise yun utak ko so okei lang mapahiya
and... may napapansin ako
i think i'm improving
kahit papaano may nasasabi na ko
unlike dati, stumped from the start

feel ko talaga magandang defense na yun maiisip ko eh
until
roar!!!
she quoted the Bible
wala na
walang defense against that
kahit demonyo o si satanas nababara ng Word of God eh
wahahaha!
not fair! di ko pa memorized yun Bible

Oh, and ang fun ng one2one namin ni ricky
ang dami kong natutunan
sobrang inspiring!
wah!
may spiritual gift kaya ako from God?

2007-03-13T20:21:00.000+08:00

REVEALED THROUGH THE SPACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TWO GIRLS TALKING IN FRONT OF ME

Yehes!!! This is the shit mehn! I don't like using foul language anymore, but ganun yun tama eh!
wahahahahahaha! Ibang klase talaga ang company nina abi and bea, they don't really notice me at all. wahahaha! pero still, naclear up yun cluttered head ko. Anu yon special powers nila? It all started...

Balik sa usual, magbubuhay loner na naman sana ako, i bought food na sa caf, and i thought i was gonna eat in solitude, but hey,
ayun, nakita kong naglalakad papuntang som mall sina abi and bea
nagpaalam ako kung pwedeng makiextra, and pumayag naman... thanks

skip

skip

they were practicing Spanish for abi's speaking test, and i was eating,
and then, nakuha na nila yun burgers nila and i was still eating. wahahaha! ang takaw talaga
they finished their food already, but still... kain paren ako ng kain

ayun, eto na yun boring part
i was finished eating na, but the two were talking so
OP ako
hahaha!
syempre wala naman akong alam tungkol sa nakaraang buhay nila diba?
so ayun, and then they decided to practice spanish na uli
and still, wala parin akong masingit na word kaya nag muni-muni nalang ako
it's almost as if nagzone out ako
and they *poof*
revelation, i don't know if its from God but where could it have come from?
i don't think i could have realized it all on my own
so aattribute ko kay God yun
parang tinanong ako

kumusta ka na dyan?
obviously, in my heart i answered, here i am with the girls na favorite ko yun company, but still, i was terrible...
bakit naman?
kase i know that no matter how much ***, *** would probably ****, they are ***, and i ***
well, what does that tell you?
that ***, and *** yun best mo for me is someone who ***, who would ***. is that even possible?

anu ba, I'm God. sabi nya

2007-03-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

nightmares

never have i had such terrible visions
waking up was such comfort
soaked with sweat but free from the trap of my mind
only
to sleep again
and incur what i hoped would not pass again
i woke up again
sweaty teary
i gave up
the hurt is great too while im awake
insane as well while asleep
what do i do
sleep again in hope
but no!
it still haunts me
and over again
until finally
morning.
the brightness of the sun
shines away the darkness of my mind
but i was weak
so very weak
i couldn't move
i was petrified

as i sleep again tonight
i hope its over
but.
it will not be so
at least
for now

it's like high school all over again
its as if destiny just had to teach me a lesson twice
its as if once was not enough
its as if i wanted to suffer again

only now
even though
everything
was shattered right before my very heart
something remains
someone remained
He will never go anywhere
and will remain in my heart
though my head is insane
i still live through the heart
and i can bear it
i will bear it
and learn to choose
again.

2007-02-27T08:05:00.000+08:00

Waw... more than a month na kong din nagpopost
what can i say
life's great
no mere words can describe it
life can be happy, choose it!

nanood ako ng play ni louie kahapon
for that, i missed an important eco quiz
oh well, at the very least, 5 points lang naman

ang galing
ang galing talaga nila
some lines worth remembering
"I put the 'coo' in 'cool'"
"love is like a bed of roses, but with painful thorns"

2007-01-26T08:41:00.000+08:00

the moment i said "yes"
it was gone
the moment i traded one life for another
it was over
i deny alot of things all the time
but those who are persistent and reasonable make it
im denying myself right now
of a thing so persistent and so reasonable
but i don't want it to happen
at least
not for now
ive one more thing left to prove
and if you can disprove it
i'll stand corrected

2007-01-15T08:29:00.000+08:00

ben!!! you're feeling so grumpy today
bakit?
is there anything wrong?
what are you being so grumpy about?
chill chill
take deep breaths
and long stretches
release, release the grumpiness into the air
and then feel free again
to believe

2007-01-12T08:31:00.000+08:00

the days seem so long
when you're not feeling strong
but when the ordeal is over
you receive more strenght than ever

hahahaha! yes!!!
i lasted 168 hours
good job!

ang galing!!! talaga ni God
today's friday
kala ko madadown ako
but no!
hahaha!
something to look forward to >>> youth service!
wahahahaha! mehn!!!
except for my jap test later
everything is just *perfect*

2007-01-10T07:47:00.000+08:00

hay...
i meant yes!
wow!
absolutely no reason for me to be down
this week, but for some reason...
i mean, everyday has been truly amazing
and i sure do see God's works and deeds everyday
ay wait!
alam ko na
alam ko na kung bakit medyo
matamlay ako
kaya pala
bopols!
40 hours left

2007-01-05T08:34:00.000+08:00

whew!
lax lang today
wala namang masyadong kelangan gawin
its friday
pero parang nawala yun thrill of fridays
ay wait! meron pala!
youth service! hahaha!
yeah! it's FRIDAY!
hahaha!

i just learned the difference of happy and joy yesterday
joy na pala ang na-eexperience ko
happy is just happy, it's temporary. it fades
joy is something different
it's long term... it's a mixture of happiness and peace of mind and heart
and it lasts. i hope for the longest time possible, if not forever

Yes! you can be happy even though you're not Christian
Yes! you can enjoy the world and what it can give to you
Yes! you can have the pleasure of being part of a community
But...
What happens when you're not happy
What happens when you're full of sorrow
What happens when the world no longer wants to give you anything
What happens when you feel alone
Do you have someone to run to
Do you have someone to hide to
Do you have someone greater than anything on earth
someone that is more powerful than sorrow, wealth, and loneliness

All you have to do is look inside you
deeply
very deeply
and you will find the Him
He who provides and gives comfort
He who's faithfulness will never depart from you

seemingly ill and unfortunate,
look around you,
they define the power within your deepest depths
the power to cure and be cured

2007-01-04T08:11:00.000+08:00

Hey! New Year na naman
It seems that the year changes periodically
sayang super fun last year
undoubtedly my greatest year ever

Compilation of last year's italicized words:
so this is what poverty feels like, utterly frieless
i wonder what next week has in store for me?
Failure!for the nth time,Failure!
When I first saw her, my body lost strength, When I first saw her smile, questioned was I, Felt like sitting next to her, at arm’s length, She was so beautiful, could that be why?
dont make a fool out of yourself
with the wind against me, i felt cool, the rustling sound of branches tickled my ears, then little brown leaves softly fell before me like tears of the dark gloomy sky
fine... ignore the flames of a still bright sunbut when the cold stillness of the manmade moonfinally eclipses...the passion that fuels shall no more be found...
"without you, i am but a mindless corpserising, walking, yearning for a piece of that heartonly to fall again dead still..."
as i look up upon the pitch black sky i see the face of an angel meant to sing me to sleep and make me dream again
lulubog muna ako out of existence
relishing my relinquished...
wtf? now im enjoying being scared! a little help please? especially from the big three from up above... stop watching me enjoy my misery!...
and drool was endlessly dripping along with oozing blood
loneliness is a state wherein a person is afraid to open up because of the fear of not being accepted...
when i feel like ive lost an important thing forever,let go ben, let go
it was still dark out, i awoke in my dim world, where only the ticking of a clock pierced my ears, i lay on my backtwisting, turning, my eyes cut the thick air in all directions, but, what i yearn for, my eyes couldn't see, my hands clenched my pillow, but, what i long for, my hands can't hold, i fall, forced myself to soothing slumber, i wanted to escape, but, it haunted me in my dreams
these days,why am i so fond of calling god sadistic?
my unconscious is slowly revolting, i cannot repress it anymore
the lonely traveler can only look, and dream
"... because it's fun!"
it's so hard to lose even part of your memories, it's as if a part of you has been ripped out, When you try to recall that memory, you see nothing but a white space, you lose your identity, you dont know who or what you are anymore, you can neither smile nor cry, you just feel... empty
Thank you Lord
can't believe that i let 1/20 of myself just deteriorate, blame it on those 19 left, blame it on me
god loves me
-reality was better than fantasy--living life is more fun that dreaming of it-
i am lost
or do i reach out and accept it, no matter what consequences?
most of what my heart desires, god gave
"its not that im gonna hate God, im just gonna dislike him for a while"
he never gave me reason to doubt him anymore
i hide in my closet, untouched by the rays of light, i sit in there like a child, teary eyed and blubbering
what if i miss?then go shoot again
im just gonna kneel here in front of you until you finally take pity on me and strike me with lightning
He is here, and no pain nor sorrow will last
"I found love beyond all reason"

* these quotes are but a glimpse... too see but never fully understand... i sight of what's beyond, but to appreciate what's now

2006-12-11T21:36:00.000+08:00

I can't compare myself with last year
That's not very possible anymore
The me last year would not recognize me now even if he's infront of me
He'd go and say
"You're nuts!"
"This is impossible!"
"You're going bonkers!"
"What the hell happened to you?"

So many great things happened
Some started out well, and ended well
Some started out nasty, yet ended fine
So what's wrong with me now?
i dunno, ever since i found God in me, even wrong's all right
I think maayos na ko, i hope to be this way for a long time
I'm setting my sights naman on other people
"I found love beyond all reason"
I wanna help others find it too

2006-12-05T21:27:00.000+08:00

all i need is you... all i need is you Lord... is you Lord!

2006-12-05T11:13:00.000+08:00

i dunno, define "bad"
such a great "bad" thing happened to me over the week
but i don't want to carry bitterness anymore, coz on the other hand
i see "good" things
i dunno, define "good"
take me back to myself 5 months ago, and he'll say im an alien
i never imagined that i would become a fanatic for Him
ayus nga eh, if im gonna get addicted to something...
it might as well be free and infinite...
go lang! life is good!
kahit bitter, life is good!
kahit sad, life is good!
why is it good? because He is here, and no pain nor sorrow will last

2006-11-24T23:07:00.000+08:00

as i walked into the room full of people
my heart raced and my hands were shaking
there was a multitude of faces, each of them strange and unfamiliar
save for three people, i knew no one

ricky was there, and was so kind to give me a quick tour of the place
and acquaint me with some people
and then, i started to hear music
tapos pumasok na uli kami
wow! "parang concert naman to", i thought
praise and worship pala ang tawag don
ang powerful nun
i felt it, i felt the power, i felt God
it was wonderful
and yun lyrics ng songs, they hit a spot
moving talaga, nakaka-teary eyes nga eh
it was so fun
and yun speakers and pastors, they were so charismatic
may energy, di tulad nung mga lackluster priests ng catholics
ibang klase talaga
i never got bored in the duration
ganon talaga ka entertaining
i feel a change within me
nung natapos na, dj gave me a booklet called one2one
ricky's gonna help me daw next week
im so looking forward to next week
i love God
a cried nga kanina
hindi ko na nahold yun surge of emotions
thank you God, thanks dj and danielle, thanks ricky
and my deepest gratitude to the person who started it all, bea

ive a strong feeling that's this is gonna be a friday night habit
fridays cannot get any better than this

2006-11-17T09:02:00.000+08:00

i think i badly need a drink
badly...
not that it's the worst two days of my entire life
but it wasn't.. err.. nice
one funny thing i notice
i seem to connect to God a whole lot easier and deeper when i'm drunk
when my head is spinning and i can hardly move
i close my eyes and talk to the Almighty One.. err.. Trinity.. err.. watever
everything becomes clear when im not
and everything becomes a mystery again when im back
after the longest time in the air
im finally dropping to my demise

im just gonna kneel here in front of you until you finally take pity on me and strike me with lightning

2006-11-14T10:57:00.000+08:00

when the world is in peril
several people will step up to take the challenge

what if only my world is in peril?
what if im the only inhabitant in this secluded place?
do i have what it takes to face the challenge?

all the confusion
all the nothingness
then for a moment, a split second, a bright light
so cool and clear
and next second, darkness again
its neither light nor darkness
its chaos

why do i yearn to break off
when im already unchained
why do still feel trapped
when escape is but a step away

the winter season dims everything
the summer brings fierce heat
where do i come in?
is there a season for me?
where its freezing and hot?

never settle for something less
never get stuck somewhere in between
either stay on the ground or shoot for the stars

but...
what if i miss?
then go shoot again
wont i run out of arrows?
no, not until your last breath

2006-10-29T00:16:00.000+08:00

even though there were two girls na pinagkalat sa buong speed in attendance a sort of a secret that i value so much
even though the villa was extremely small and ill-equipped for our group
even though the food wasn't well cooked and wasn't enough to fill us up
even though medyo siksikan kami sa kotse going there
even though ang stupid ko not to know what town we were going to

i got the rest i wanted
i forgot the problem i wanted to forget
i got the distance needed to evaluated this life
i had a different fun, one that is shared and not personal
i reaffirmed my relationship with God
for a change nakarinig din ako ng stories, intead of telling
i missed home, but i wanna go back
im so limited over here, but free over there
i feel safe and secure here, and aimless there
everything is planned here, i was adapting there
shucks, i guess il have to wait a few more years before i get the best of both
im not old enough, yet hindi na rin bata
i just wanna do what i wanna do

2006-10-22T00:08:00.000+08:00

i wonder what my life would be like without dad
maybe a whole lot happier siguro
it would be tough, but a lot happier i guess
there'd be that empty part inside my chest, but at least filled yun empty sakin ngayon
life would definitely be less complicated

why am i saying all this sh*t?
truth is, its not me thats making me want to be free of him
its he that wants to be free of him
he's creating his own problems and projecting it to me
gags talaga yon
nagmumukha tuloy na ayaw ko sa kanya, when in fact
he doesn't like himself
dadamayin mo pa ko
each of us only has one life to work with
malas mo di mo inayos yun sayo
im gonna fight for mine

2006-10-21T23:44:00.000+08:00

gadz!
i feel like a doughnut without that delicious jelly filling
parang na-flatten by a steamroller
defeated by my own in-your-face tactics
i acquired a stick to beat myself with
a thousand tacks to pierce my own skin
my own fingers to poke my eyes
my own elbow to break my nose

to continue what i did yesterday
only now, im crashing
of course the logical thing to happen after crashing is to burn
i lit my own pyre

i hide in my closet
untouched by the rays of light
i sit in there like a child
teary eyed and blubbering
with both palms open
hoping to capture a drop of warmth
i sit in there like a child
wanting to believe

2006-10-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

yikes! sem break na
how ive frowned upon the coming of this day, it signifies the end, the end of a lot of things, things that i prefer to continue... but with end also comes a new beginning, the problem is, it comes a little too late to salvage what's left by the end
i love-hate my octobers
its so happy yet so sad
and usually sad yun naiiwan
one nice thing is, God always makes himself felt the most during my octobers... october more than any other month, even december... bakit kaya? it feels nice talaga, so safe

2006-10-18T20:36:00.000+08:00

haay
sabi ni God ive nothing to fear
okei, i trust Him
just take a leap
he never gave me reason to doubt him anymore

2006-10-18T08:12:00.000+08:00

ang galing talaga ni God
he just ruined what i thought to be the perfect plan
hahahaha!
miraculous

2006-10-18T08:11:00.000+08:00

"its not that im gonna hate God, im just gonna dislike him for a while"

2006-10-18T08:09:00.000+08:00

haay, what a morning
i suppossed to study theo na
its gonna be a long one, marami-marami ang babasahin ko
konti nalang, a few more days, nooooooooo!

2006-10-13T09:25:00.000+08:00

a miracle
again, ive been touched by god
A, B+, B+, F exams ko in psych
tas exempted!
A na daw yun final grade ko
no way on earth, it defies logic
most of what my heart desires, god gave
can god give the one my heart desires the most?
not that im ciallenging him or anything
just curious...

2006-10-07T00:55:00.000+08:00

will i?
i need to step back
and then take another step back
and then another step back
i cannot do this alone
yet, only i can do
muster up courage
to take a giant leap
i wont make it
il never reach the other side of the gap
il fall a billion feet to the floor
my head will split like an egg
still, it's not open enough
why do wise men have to be old?
do i keep on denying what could be the will of God?
or do i reach out and accept it, no matter what consequences?
am i afraid? why should i be?
why do i fear?
im still insecure, very insecure

2006-10-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

secretly, tension builds within me
though everyday is a passing moment
every minute is a slab of clay
slowy, increasing in volume
eating up my space
the space i freely gave up
my chest constricts
i have trouble breathing
how can a person laugh
and cry at the same time
and still manage to breathe
i cannot feel myself anymore
maybe i never wanted to
it was always never good enough
now i try to extend my other hand
for something is already holding the other
how could i know?
i never knew
i was more of a victim than a ---
it was miraculous
can i be saved?
i miss myself
i am lost
lost
lost

2006-09-20T13:17:00.000+08:00

Holy Moly!
I cannot deny it anymore
I tried to keep in fighting
But im losing the war
*im losing*...

Who would have thought that at this moment
-reality was better than fantasy-
-living life is more fun that dreaming of it-

___

god loves me
ngayon ko lang na fully appreciate yan
having no fear, for god always fulfills his promises
*having no fear* --- to be wonderfully free
*sniff sniff*
somethin spiritual is not necessarily boring
in many ways, its fun and exciting

*can i change my religion now?

2006-09-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

Psychic Vampires
Do you feel tired when you think of the person?
Is it as if your life force has been sucked out of you?
Do you just feel dead inside?

Yes, i have been victimized
But i guess i trapped myself
im left half dead
with two choices
to die or be a vampire too
will i allow myself to choose any of the two?
no, of course not... but can i help it?
might as well get all of this over with and eat garlic bread

can't believe that i let 1/20 of myself just deteriorate
blame it on those 19 left, blame it on me

2006-09-11T22:34:00.000+08:00

Whew! it's been a hectic month....
grabeh! Super tired na ko, i need to relax and be loose for a while
just when i thought everything wont work out and just explode to my face
things turn out nicely
haha, buhay nga naman ng crammer...
i dont think i have ever been so busy in my entire life as much as these past couple of days
but... i realize that i didn't give a 100% effort on these things...
maybe just around 50 - 70 %...
and boy, do i know what makes me give a 100% effort, and sometimes even more
but why do i get this feeling that sometimes my best is not good enough

share ko lang yun hallmark moment na nahagilap ko kay kia kanina
"If your heart's not with me, then i'll leave"
haha! ang labo

2006-08-28T21:13:00.000+08:00

My God!
Thank You Lord!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!

This is one of the happiest days of my entire life
Nanalo kami ng 3rd place sa Sagala
Wow! grabe! hahaha! natalo namin yun Agyu!
hahaha! im so happy!

Pero may isang group na hindi namin kinaya
and thats paraisong parisukat!
mehn! grabe ang lakas ng gut feeling ko na mataas sila
and they won 1st place
wow! ang galing ni louie!
hahaha!
it was kinda late na kanina and traumatizingly dangerous...
i really really wanted to drive her home, pero di ko alam yun daan
kaya hanggang gateway lang
mehn! good thing she's safe, i was praying the entire time driving back home
Thank you Lord

2006-08-19T19:34:00.000+08:00

about 3 weeks ago, i thought that joining sagala ng mga sikat was a very bad idea... its gonna take a lot of time and effort... and im scared of performance arts
but wow! im glad we did join, it took exaggerated amounts of time and money
but it was really fun, so fun that i wish i could do it again once more with feelings
seeing people get entertained infront of me is very fulfilling
kahit hindi kami manalo, i had fun, the people had fun, what more can i ask for?
wait! i just really really think that we have a shot at winning
as in wala akong nahanap na panget in any aspect
ang saya-saya rin nung judges nung nakita ko sila while i was dancing infront

nag-nstp ako kanina, kahit hindi required
am i crazy or sumthin?
hindi, pero area is so much fun
third area ko kanina, and the many of the kids know my face and trust me already
the satisfaction is incomparable

2006-08-15T10:48:00.000+08:00

God is real
Yes, its weird
Well, for me it is
who would have thought that
a series of unfortunate events
could lead to something so powerful, so great

i felt God last friday
he exists in some twisted reality far far from ours
he's scary, really scary

Everything that happened since morning was totally random
from studying in the libe til the footbridge accident
yet, i saw connections
it was magic
like pieces of spaghetti jumbled up together to form a spaghetti ball
but why? why did he show me such greatness
is it because of my skepticism?
nah! i dont think so
i just have this weird feeling that i am being trapped

it's so hard to lose even part of your memories,
it's as if a part of you has been ripped out
When you try to recall that memory, you see nothing but a white space
you lose your identity, you dont know who or what you are anymore
you can neither smile nor cry
you just feel... empty

2006-08-09T07:56:00.000+08:00

haay... my first nstp area nung saturday and nothing went on as planned
i guess i overestimated the children
okei lang, i just call it bonding session
nakilala naman kami ng kids eh so 1 out of 6 objectives reached

tapos nung afternoon,
nag-gateway tas nag-eastwood
hindi pa talaga makontento si jc sa isang mall
haay

i watched ang aksidenteng pagkamatay ng isang anarkista
wow! worth every peso i payed... its exactly the kind subliminal yet frontal double negative messaging i have been wanting to see and hear, its also very hilarious
super funny nung mga facial expressions ng actors
hahaha! ang eye popper talaga yun girl, damn!
ang sexy!

i did alot of thinking last sunday night
figuratively speaking, i reached i higher level of enlightenment
as in, i think i became wiser
thanks to that special person who shared with me a different perspective
i feel so much more pleasant and relaxed

"... because it's fun!"

2006-07-28T22:58:00.000+08:00

wow! what a day!
i dont like gen psy topic today but sir JAVS made it funny
ang dali ng stat lab exercise
free cut ang theo

i went with chris and janella sa shang
and then sa megamall
and dami kong natutunan
first, now i know why maraming tumatambay sa shang
its a very nice loose, comfortable, and slightly dim place
second, now i know why it takes more than 3 hours for chris to buy nothing
and lastly, now i know that i need to take solo walks regularly, ang relaxing pala

after dropping janella at shopwise
pumunta na kami sa eastwood
to meet jc, aldric, and calvs
it was raining
and chris kept on insisting to go to where they were
nabasa tuloy kami
after they ate
arcade na
too bad puno na yun videoke rooms
at least nakapag-dance maniacs kmi
next week nalang yun videoke

2006-07-27T20:11:00.000+08:00

This past month has been simply terrible
what control i have left in my life, nawala pa
super exhausting and pressured

but...
TODAY!
TODAY!
TODAY!
IT STOPS!
This is the best day for me in the month of july
a thursday, july 27
kahit super haba ng araw na to
ang daming highlight moments
pumasa ako sa SA
high score sa psy 101
two happy moments
and lastly
sa stat, i discovered na si danics
pala yun crush ko nung preschool
wahahahaha! sa twinkle stars children's workshop!
wahahahaha! my gulay!
i never imagined in my wildest imagination
that il ever see that girl! and there she was in the
row after me! wahahahahahhaha!

2006-07-06T15:14:00.000+08:00

pamaypay
it was strange the way i kept seeing them
nakakatakot, its like haunting me

mirage,
i vision of beauty in the desert
its so lush and green, a paradise
but the lonely traveler
will never reach it for
it is just an illusion
the lonely traveler
will never reach it for
it exists in a different dimension
the lonely traveler
can only look, and dream

2006-07-06T15:07:00.000+08:00

nandito ako ngayon sa stat lab
katabi ko si chris
aliw ako sa teaching method ni mam
pinapabayaan kami to find the solution for ourselves
ang hirap, wala pa naman akong alam sa spss
hungry na ko
hanggang mamaya pa tong class

my unconscious is slowly revolting
i cannot repress it anymore
it manifests in clear and concrete symbols
hindi man lang ginawang vague and mysterious

2006-06-30T20:58:00.000+08:00

soar throat...
due to excessive shouting...
i wasn't supposed to attend the cheer rally
i was supposed to go home
but... somehow...
god's sadistic plan pushed through
i was pulled into attending the cheer rally
by a force im unaware of
is god testing me?

who do i see in the cheer rally? huh?!
who do i see?!...
Mary and Camil, that's who
Go Babble!

the cheer rally was pretty nice
although it wasn't as exciting as last time

these days,
why am i so fond of calling god sadistic?
i just imagine him/her in an invisible dimension
laughing at how silly humans are
the way i see it now, god is selfish
with all the magical powers in the universe,
he is fond of controlling humans while making
it seem that he's leaving us alone

it is often said that when people die in accidents
god WANTS TO TAKE THEM to live with him
mehn! that's like giving the gift of life, and taking
it whenever he wants to

2006-06-29T19:59:00.000+08:00

I dont like creating problems,
especially for myself
i recognize myself to be an efficient problem solver
and i rarely turn over my problems to the sadist
way up above
but, how come i can't do anything but wish it away?
what do i have to do to step out of god's ultimate plan?
i hate having something chosen for me

it was still dark out,
i awoke in my dim world
where only the ticking of a clock pierced my ears
i lay on my back
twisting, turning
my eyes cut the thick air in all directions
but, what i yearn for, my eyes couldn't see
my hands clenched my pillow, but,
what i long for, my hands can't hold
i fall, forced myself to soothing slumber
i wanted to escape, but,
it haunted me in my dreams

2006-06-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

i will surely miss days like this
when my mornings are vacant and dull
because of free cuts

i came to school at my usual early hour
even though im aware of the long long break ahead
12 pa ang next class ko
i finished reading my fil and SA by ten
what am i to do to kill a couple of hours
kain nalang
to my pleasure, open house ang mvp
for the week to welcome freshmen to visit
and find what orgs are about,
ang daming snacks like popcorn and chips
but since konti lang ang freshmen na pumupunta
kami-kami narin ang mga kumakain
other than eat snacks and play uno stacko,
wala na kong ginawa

Though i find the topic in fil 14 a bit interesting,
ang booring magturo ni sir mike
ang bagal ng oras, and sinagad talaga niya
yun hour and a half, i hate classes like that
mas nakakabobo para sakin yun

Hindi man lang nasabi si chris na nauna na siya
scary experience ang magcommute alone,
i avoid that as much as possible, ang lakas
naman ng loob niya
sabay kami ni shaan pumunta ng gateway

ang sweet naman ni shaan,
aside from treating me to a movie kanina
iniwanan niya kami ni chris sa gitna ng movie!
hehe... some family matters daw

Cars is a "G" movie
yes, napaka-wholesome naman
but i liked it, i liked the plot, pero
im not fond of cars... anyway, cute naman
yun animations
i love the climax of the movie, unbelievable!
halos mapaluha ako, i didnt expect that
meron ding sense of honor yun kotse
touched ako, and i mean straight to the heart

nabigla talaga ako, super watery na yun eyes ko,
and chris was laughing at me
embarrasing moment naman!
its almost as embarrasing as the time i was
watching a dvd of the last samurai, and my sister
saw me wiping tears of my eyes

2006-06-25T14:00:00.000+08:00

some more pictures

2006-06-25T13:39:00.000+08:00

charmie's debut was very very pretty
the performers were nothing like ive ever seen before
there was a couple dancing up a storm
and a few very heavenly singers
they're very passionate and gifted
just like charmie is

i came very early at 5 40
organizers were still fixing up the place
and i was alone until, mam ellen, the next guest showed up
we talked about stuff and other stuff until jc, calvs, and chris came
yes! im not in a conversation with someone out of my league anymore
and so, we waited and waited and waited
people came, people waited

and yes, the debuntante finally made her grand entrance
charmie looked gorgeous in her gown and tiara
and so the program started, and i was certainly entertained
unusual performances kept the people from being bored
i hope charmie was enlightened from the 18 treasures, flattered by the 18 roses, and empowered by the 18 candles

dinner was fanastic
with bread-soup-meat-pastry, hahaha
i just dont remember their exotic sophisticated names
and haba kase

hahaha! kainggit talaga si charmie,
but i see myself having a "charmed life" because nakilala ko si charmie

2006-06-23T12:41:00.000+08:00

GRABE ang handa ni aldric last night
ang daming food, busog ako
sobrang namiss kong lumabas with them
especially at night
i cant explain it, it's just sooooo... nice
just talking and laughing and doing watever
arggh! i really really dont want our block to split next year

as of now... i like my teachers
natakot ako prematurely,
my teachers aren't as terror-like as others have described
pinasabugan na kami ng assignments today, but
im mentally prepared for whatever evil my teachers will unleash,
medyo nag-attitude adjusment ako this sem, its gonna take
alot more to break me down
my motto for now, "bring it on!"

2006-06-19T20:30:00.000+08:00

wow! what a first day
i certainly enjoyed almost every minute of it
four teachers
i think they're pretty nice
i like all of them except
hindi ko pa masyadong nakuha yun technique ni sir aj
i think he's quite mysterious
im looking forward to seeing him teach
my 101 teacher and sir jesus are kinda funny
while my stat teacher mam tina projects a motherly image
my predictions are:
1. im not gonna enjoy stat very much,
hindi kase nagpapatawa si mam tina, or kung meron, di ako natatawa
2. im gonna have a lot of fun in theo, sir jesus is my kinda guy/gay watever,
i like the way he thinks, napaka-imaginative, and he's a pretty good insult artist
3. i going to like sir aj, kahit feel ko mahihirapan ako sa klase niya
he's scary, a bit funny, and mysterious... an interesting personality

when i feel like ive lost
an important thing forever,
let go ben, let go
others
are still there
do
your best
so as not
to lose them

2006-06-17T21:22:00.000+08:00

whew!
bee happy party ni charmie kanina sa mga orphans ng white cross
i was kinda late so di ko naabutan yun actual start
natawa ako in my mind nung pagpasok ko, nakita ko si charmie
with this cardboard hat tas naka-upo infront of the thundering hoard of children
along with this jollibee host who only seems to have a small measure of control
over the children
nagtambay muna ako sa likod, and all of a sudden, a few kids started
approaching me... haha! ang friendly naman ng mga batang ito!
na-dehydrate ata ko sa dami ng aking sweat, it was hot with these children
crowd around me... wow, i never realized how much i miss seeing the innocence
of children... that blank stare in their eyes and the simplicity of their smile...
it's like being disconnected from the real world... napupunta ako sa ibang
dimensyon... all i see are smiles, and all i hear, giggles...
haay... wish i could spend time like this regularly...
pero hindi ko kaya, i recognize that i am in a stage wherein marami akong
ginagawa... hindi pa pwede

spending time sa likod, made me realize something
im very partial to interacting with children who are alone
or are somewhat loners... i guess i feel with them...
they're the ones who dont join in the games, they just sit and
keep to themselves... they're the ones who never get their way
and just go with the flow... there was a few na nahirapan akong
makausap at start... but being that way too, i knew just what to do
kailangan lang nila ng constant attention... to show some signs that i
recognize that they are there... like an occasional hi or a wink...
soon enough, sila na ang nag-approach sakin... and i enjoyed their company
as i hope they did with mine...
loneliness is a state wherein a person is afraid to open up because of the fear of not being accepted... ive learned that accepting a person or a child even without knowing them, makes it easier for them to overcome loneliness...

2006-06-06T22:52:00.000+08:00

buhay naman talaga oh!
i dont mind the random number kahit ang taas
what are the chances? bleak pero meron... and i got it
okay lang na afternoon pa ng reg ko, di ako makakasama kung saan man umalis ang grupo
il just hang out sa libe

but why?! why?!
the regcom site is down
panu ko mache-check yun scheds?
how will i know kung sinu-sino ang mga teachers ko?

i watched this movie a few days ago
hindi maganda, but meron naman akong natutunan
something called the chaos theory
a series of events happen seemingly at random until
one can see the connections in the end

boy do i see the connections! no, not sa movie, dito sa buhay ko
and its not pretty...
what can i do?
absolutely nothing

nanood kami ng the omen kanina
i seems that movies ending not-so-happily are begining to erupt
the movie was not nice, hyped up lang yun ads

2006-05-29T14:15:00.000+08:00

IVE BEEN EATING SOFT FOOD FOR DAYS!
im tired of eating lugaw and ice cream
i wish the wound would heal faster
the dental surgery wasn't as bad as i thought
there was a bit of pain involved, but it was quite
bearable with the anesthesia...
for a few hours my mouth was numb
and drool was endlessly dripping along with oozing blood
i wanted to laugh at myself coz i looked like a special kid,
but ive to restrain myself coz it hurts everytime i chuckle or giggle
i can barely open my mouth, and my lower left cheek is still a bit swollen
the stitches are due to be removed on friday

2006-05-23T19:41:00.000+08:00

i chickened out...
hay buhay
i was supposed to have a dental surgery to remove my wisdom teeth last saturday
but it was so sudden
i requested for a change... so
sa friday na tatanggalin yun first of the three
looks like il be home bound for a while

2006-05-18T21:54:00.000+08:00

im noticing something really peculiar about myself lately...
i getting scared of myself...
di ko pa na-aanalayze kung bakit... pero...

somehow, someway
i derive pleasure and satisfaction
from the feelings of irritation, rage, and anger
just recently
galing naman sa pain and the feeling of being drained/tired

wtf?! ang wierd!
these emotions are what i often feel for quite some time now
could it be that due to the lack of fun and excitement in my life,
i manipulated myself to actually enjoy these dark emotions?
shucks! im scared...

wtf? now im enjoying being scared! a little help please? especially from the big three from up above... stop watching me enjoy my misery!...

2006-05-14T20:06:00.000+08:00

yeah! birthday ni jc kagabi!
19th... hahahaha tanda na!
mehn! ang daming drinks
hindi naubos yun mga dinala ng tao
but alas
no night lasts more than a few hours
people left but i slept over
tulog na kase si dad by the time the drinking finished
i was relatively fine. di naman tumagal yun pagkahilo ko
pero first time i felt like vomiting
but fortunately hindi naman... konting water lang ang i was fine
we played smackdown vs. raw 2006
nandun na yun new guns, pero ang bagal ng gameplay
it was slow, really slow
walang excitement...

well... summer is slowly ticking away
im another summer older,
but i grew up faster than i wanted to...

2006-04-30T12:57:00.000+08:00

i visited my cousins in antipolo yesterday
after going to eastwood yesterday with my cousin jigs
sinundo ko si mum, sis, aunt, and other cousin to eat at emerald
the food was more expensive than ever
tapos tumambay kami sa baywalk to watch the aliw festival programs
aside from the stink of manila bay
okei naman yun palabas
and then my sis stumbled upon a man giving away coupons for free rides in star city
she got alot and kumuha rin ako
i have over 100 free rides valid until may 19

2006-04-28T22:08:00.000+08:00

this has got to be the most boring week of my entire life
absolutely nothing exciting happened
i was supposed to go out with jc and guys
but the car was withdrawn from me today, peste naman, pumunta lang ng bangkok si dad inalis na yun car priveleges ko til he gets back
haay

some nice things about this week though
yesterday, habang nagjojogging ako...
from a distance ahead of me i saw this sexy girl
hmmm... yeah okei
and then when i got nearer
shet! ma'am!
bastos! first year socsci teacher ko pala...
i stopped and walked her to the entrance of xavier so i can chat with her for a few minutes
maganda parin sya though she's about 5 years older
ahahahaha

2006-04-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

Last Friday i went to greenbelt with some friends i made in china
pumunta kami sa redbox and sung our lungs off
its a nice place, and i hope to go there again
high tech ang karaoke nila, ibang klase
mum and bea wanted to go home early kaya sumabay nalang ako kay ate rhea pauwi
they invited me to go to sagada this friday, but medyo tinatamad ako
i dunno, il think about it...

2006-04-18T20:14:00.000+08:00

ang complex talaga ng dad ko!
ahahahahaha
or maybe ako lang yun

3.41 na nga ako pinagalitan pa ko ng dad ko kase may C ako sa english
ang taas naman ng standards nya!
ahahahaha

summer summer summer summer summer
summer summer summer summer summer
summer summer summer summer summer
summer summer summer summer summer

so little things to do, so much time

2006-04-17T21:14:00.000+08:00

alright
i just came out of a talk with my dad
it seems that he found the eastwood parking ticket i left it the car
mehn! unang takas palang nahuli na kaagad!
oh well! what am i to do?
i just laughed it off
and dad laughed with me
yes! strike one up for the power of humor
di naman ako masyadong napagalitan
okei na yun

2006-04-17T20:12:00.000+08:00

it's not arrogance, it's destiny...

mehn! DL uli ako...
na that its bad, pero... here comes the pain
puro expectations na naman
haay

what do you know
i saw some of my lovable blockmates uli
grabe! how i missed them!
sow after lunch at shakeys which mostly linibre ni calvs in celebration of his birthday
nag eastwood kmi, i bought the car without dads approval... hehehehe
ok lang yun
il face the consequences later
what's getting grounded for a few days in exchange for spending a few hours with friends

april 17, ive got to remember this day

2006-04-13T18:38:00.000+08:00

time-out muna in china....
my god!... 4 days with my dad
ow well... i can think of worse things

sawang-sawa na ako of airplanes
in that 4 days i took 6 flights
mehn! napakahectic!
i barely had time to appreciate what china had to offer, and to enjoy the
cold weather

i still had fun nonetheless
i met a lot of new acquaintances, and hopefully we'll all be good friends
i learned alot from them, two graduated from the ateneo, and most of them are working already

though i saw alot of fascinating sights in china, and i have to admit
it looks better to see it live than on tv, repetitive na, china had nothing new to offer to this young tourist

the meals were great
i climbed 4 towers of the great wall then got tired
i walked around the forbidden city, but di naman ako pinapasok sa mga chambers sow wala ring kwenta, i wanted to sit on the emperors throne, but syempre di pwede

i hope i got something out of china from the trip
parang wala eh, wait!
it made me appreciate the Philippines more
nothing can compare to the homey feeling of this country
paglabas ko palang ng plane
haaay... sanctuary

2006-04-02T22:13:00.000+08:00

relishing my relinquished...
i rediscovered the joys of dueling monsters, yugioh
it has this one card that i love to use over and over again
"relinquished"
dark spellcaster, it has zero attack and zero defense
to summon it, a sacrifice is needed
what makes it powerful is its effect, to absorb the enemy and its strengths
how fun it is to see an opponent summon a powerful monster, only to be relinquished a turn after... ehehehe

kanina
i attended a children's party of second cousin of mine
it was nice to see all the familiar faces, and relatives of mine to the second degree
but masikip yun venue and there was no entertainment for those between childhood and old
yep, i got bored... masarap yun food though
chicken
spaghetti
barbeque
fried rice
chicken teriyaki
grilled steak and salmon
prawn
lasagna
and some other stuff

2006-03-29T22:28:00.000+08:00

lulubog muna ako out of existence...

wow! the events these past few days were highly different and was a refreshing change...
it enabled me to escape life for awhile for a chance to rest

overnight in subic
not bad, i was with my family and we went around subic and visited a local beach
i watched a saturday sunset while floating on my sister's salbabida
realizations:

the whole sunset setting reminded me of one person

- beautiful
- glorious
- may warm feeling
- brilliant
- it lights up your day

- temporary
- it leaves and comes back another day
- when it leaves, darkness prevails
- when it leaves, the air is extremely cold
- when it leaves, all that is left in you is nothingness

jeez! ang depressing naman... hopefully, the sun still shines tomorrow

before the trip home
kumain muna kami sa pancake house,
i saw mian! wow! surprise surprise!
it was fun seeing her again! little did i know she was also in subic...

Block outing in punta fuego
sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!!! i love my blockmates!!!!
they're the absolute epitome of friendship
what did i do in fuego?
ahahaha
it seems that i dont remember the exact details
pero sleep, swim, drink, and eat lang mostly
drink especially
ahahaha
suuuuuuuuuper fun nung first night namin
inom lang and kanta and doing watever sillyness
sheeeeeeeeeet! ahahahahahhahahahahha!
yun wonderful adobo ni cara
and yun fantastic liempo ni aldric yeah boi!
inuman, ang daming drinks! thanks CK!
yes! yes! yes!
just drinking all night long until hindi ko na kaya
and i remember kia getting all emotional and me kissing sam's foot instead of aldric's
shet, the stupid things i do when im lost in the head

the second day was a little different
charmie and nj came!!!
yes! more girls in bikinis! ahahahahha!
sam's breakfast was great and jc's liempo was fit for a king
swimming naman sa better beach
ang ganda ng sand, pinung-pino
and yun jetski, shet! super rush!
a dilemna came with regina
at first we were kinda irritated and all with regina bringing her track friends to crash our little block outing, but most of them seemed to be nice people... emphasis on the most

but still we drank and drank and drank up ck's little mixtures and concoctions
and ate up a fantastic feast courtesy of ck

the third day (kanina) was a little more hectic coz we had to pack up
sorry for the lunch guys
how was i to know that the chicken was only half cooked
after swimming sa infinity pool
we headed for home
after a stopover in sta. rosa
hinatid ni jc si sam to her place, and we ate dinner there
ang sarap nung mustard chicken, at least hindi na sya inihaw
jc dropped me off sa tomas morata in tempura kung nasan yun dad ko and
proceeded to drop calvs home...

i cant wait for the next block outing! para naman ma-fill up with memorable events tong summer na to...

as i look up upon the pitch black sky
i see the face of an angel meant to
sing me to sleep and make me dream
again

2006-03-21T00:12:00.000+08:00

still goin ballistic...
im slowing wilting away the things left to do on my list
and i do mean SLOWLY!
mehn! sana matapos na lahat
but still there are stuff to do
its gonna be a looooooooong week...

fortunate enough to miss out on taking my math and chem exams
concentrate na on the other things left to do
damned fil paper! 8 pages due on thursday di ko sinisimulan
haaaaaaaay nakakatamad.

2006-03-08T21:27:00.000+08:00

No, it's not God that completely fills my heart
Somewhere there in the center of emptiness
Somewhere there in the midst of my joys and sorrows
I yearn for the touch of your tender fingers and the
sweet echo of your voice

No, it's not alright. Nothing is alright without your
gracious presence, you who fill the void of my heart
Nothing is ever perfect, for perfection comes only in the
warm caress of your smile
Nothing is ever complete, for without the part of you
nothing else can fit into the barren emptiness of my chest
nothing else can fill this pit of mine with bottomless love

Without you, I am but a mindless corpse
Rising, walking, yearning for a piece of that heart
only to fall again dead still

2006-03-07T19:46:00.000+08:00

just got my 4th math lt kanina
got a B, 84%... okei na... that's the highest grade in the class
wawa naman yung ibang mga tao... thank the math department that the lowest LT is cancellable... or else marami atang mahihirapan na makahabol...

nag-libe ako first break
instead of doing the stuff i was supposed to do, i fell asleep again...
then i woke up around 10... something came over me
i was caught up in an inspiring moment
and it had something to do with what abi told me yesterday about
God filling a void in our hearts...
i somewhat disagree
thus i started my latest poem, "to she who fills the void in my heart"
di pa maayos so di pa maganda yun poem but i have a line that states

"without you, i am but a mindless corpse
rising, walking, yearning for a piece of that heart
only to fall again dead still..."

2006-03-06T19:25:00.000+08:00

owh!
basketball finals yesterday
i had to play roughly 5 hours of b-ball
mehn! my bod ached last night til this afternoon
sayang! we almost got the championship! unfortunately the other finals team simply outclassed us... galing talaga!

what does it mean to be the usual?
good? bad?... pero masakit ang tama
could it be bland?
boring?
the "usual"?
pre-meditated?
whatever it may possibly mean...
ang sakit pala to be taken for granted...
mehn.. the feeling is not nice, not nice at all...

fine... ignore the flames of a still bright sun
but when the cold stillness of the manmade moon
finally eclipses...
the passion that fuels shall no more be found...

2006-03-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

area made my day yesterday
as usual there were some transpo problems but that was part of the fun i guess
upon arriving sa CW i seeked out my favorite kid rina.. at first she was still unresponsive and i had little opportunities to play with her.. but things changed when she moved to the playroom.. she was playing with a rubber ball and in an occasion the ball bounced to me.. aha! chance!.. i used the ball to finally catch her attention, and at long last after several months of trying and initiating, i was playing with her, super duper cutie talaga niya!.. and her smile! each smile is a picture moment!
and the highlight of my day- minutes before we left the last area (mehn!) i asked for a goodbye kiss from rina, then and there i got a smack in the cheek... woohoo! man that made me feel alive! wow! ang saya! sayang last area na...

other stuff
* edith was violated by daryll... ahahaha! and i witnessed it!
* si tina and kabarkada jeff! ahahahahahahahahahaha! dammit! dammit! dammit! ahahhahahahaha! suuuuuuuuuuuper funny ni jeff! he's got it bad for tina! ahahahhahaha!
mehn and the moves! mehn! shet ang funny talaga ng moves ni jeff! words cant simply describe their "bonding" moments! wawa naman si tina! ahahahaha! and yun isang moment! where nag high five sila but when tina's hand touched jeff's, jeff's fingers slowly intertwined with tina's... and yun face ni tina! ahahahhaha! priceless!

2006-03-02T19:36:00.000+08:00

kakaiba itong thursday na to...
not quite the usual...
-first
super nahirapan ako sa LT namin sa Math, and i have to admit it's unusual
there were several numbers na sinabi ko sa sarili, "anung gagawin ko rito?"
ang complicated ng mga problems, kailangan pa ng third or fourth level of thinking and concentration... strangely enough, i had a little measure of fun though...
-second
after spending the first half hour sa caf, nag-libe ako... for some reason i had an urge to spend the rest of the time alone in the library...
-third
after PE, nag-libe na naman ako... spent the next hour and a half sleeping/day dreaming...
-and lastly
the noise barrage! before it started medyo kinabahan ako kase first time... i didn't know what to expect... but when it carried on i actually had some fun... para syang pep rally or a party in the streets... i didnt expect that several of my english blockmates would come, they made the experience even better...

2006-02-22T20:14:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...
half the week's already over
ang bilis naman
sana nga medyo bumagal yun pace ng time except for the class hours
ang bilis talaga ng panahon
somehow i regret not noticing the little things in life
what are they? i dont know, di ko naman kase pinansin
but i saw a magnificent sight yesterday while jogging around xavier ng mga 5 pm
HINDI yung mga ica girls in uniform (wowee! ang tagal ko nang hindi nakakita non!)
at tsaka yun mga maaangas na mukha ng high school xaverians na nakatambay na walang ginagawa as if waiting for girls to approach them (dream on!)

... i saw falling leaves...
with the wind against me, i felt cool
the rustling sound of branches tickled my ears
then little brown leaves softly fell before me
like tears of the dark gloomy sky

*it rained shortly after

anyways, on to the more disturbing matters
my dreams...
not goals and ambitions
not fantasies or wishes
but the dreams you get when you sleep, and there were two of them

in the two consecutive dreams, i was there, also
in both dreams, a certain fast-paced beauty was also there
... in the first dream...
we were eating a super duper triple extra large order of french fries in mcdonalds
and i believe i commented that it was nice and crispy
then i woke up
...in the second dream... (which i had this afternoon)
we were a in car and it seems that i drove her home
and i saw her brother in a porch listening to an ipod/mp3/cd player (im not sure)
then i played with her 8 year old sister (does she even have an 8 year old sis?)
and then i woke up

after the first dream, i didn't react much
but after the second dream, i began to wonder
what could it mean?
im wierded out
hopefully it was merely my subconscious playing mind games with me
if not, maybe it will unfold in the near future

2006-02-17T04:53:00.000+08:00

i spent my first break in the library researching for my topic in filipino, the effects of computer games to masculinity... i found this great book called, "Kings, Warriors, Magicians, Lovers" i only finished reading the kings and warriors part... it's about men having a all of the four characteristics but some are just more developed than others... i got to the warriors part and... i read a logical line that inspired me, and snapped me back to reality... it says, dont think too much, coz thinking leads to doubt, doubt to hesistation, and hesistation to inaction... it told me, "if you're confident then just do it" from now onwards, il try to unleash the warrior within.

2006-02-14T19:58:00.000+08:00

hmmm...
happy (then again, maybe not too happy) valentine's day

good news
the guys in our block surprised the girls with roses!
hahaha, super saya na makita yun mga smiling surprised faces ng mga girls
and yes, masaya rin kaming mga guys coz somehow we accomplished what we set out to do, and thats to show the girls that we love and appreciate them...

not-so-good news
argggggggh! nucking futs!
sabi ko sa sarili ko kagabi several times, "dont make a fool out of yourself"
bakit ba feeling ko i did?
hay, grabe naman, all the best laid out plans didn't work out...
kase naman ang hina mo ben! when ya saw her, nakalimutan mo na all the words you were supposed to say.
what do i have to do? nothing seems to work

2006-02-09T20:00:00.000+08:00

math lt!
it was harder than i thought i would be
inubos ko yun oras, i finished with only a couple of minutes left, di ko na review lahat
hopefully tama naman most of my answers

filipino
still quite boring
hardly interesting yun mga tinuturo nya

lunch
didnt eat lunch
i played ping pong with my old pal hubert
ang fun parin mag table tennis
sayang, bumulok ako
i not as good as i used to be
i forgot na how to do a smash

PE
ang daming nagcut sa team namin
kaya di natuloy yun mini games
practice nalang kanina
i didnt do well
out of probably ten shots
isa lang yun pumasok
terrible, simply terrible

*on the way to the LRT with calvs
we met a pleasant surprise
nakakainis nga lang that she didnt say bye when she got off
brrrrrr! ang cold naman.

2006-02-05T20:52:00.000+08:00

kaninang umaga mum and i woke up at 6 and went jogging around xavier
the morning air was exhilirating
ang sarap mag breathe in
i only survived 3 rounds and my feet quit
umuwi na kami ni mum
i didn't wear my watch, but when i got home 7 30 na pala
we were walking/jogging for about an hour na pala

kaninang hapon
Nagcelebrate ng 19th birthday yun pinsan ko
ang daming friends niya na pumunta from dlsu and her high school
when most of her guests left, i played basketball with my male cousin, my brother, and my uncle
i went home before 6

2006-02-04T20:56:00.000+08:00

yesterday, na-realize ko sa area how much i miss interacting with the kids
its so much fun
ive been skipping the past couple of areas to have fun, but kahapon, my throat hurt because of laughing so much
the kids are still ever so friendly, and of course makulit, especially vince...
i love those kids, they're the personification of the statement "men are kids at heart"
and there is this cute little girl named czarina, she really catches my eye, para siyang little sis ko nung bata pa... she has such beautiful eyes and when she smiles, with her front teeth missing, i feel joy in my heart...

2006-01-29T19:23:00.000+08:00

whatta weekend!
yesterday...
we were required to watch a certain movie called perfume nightmare
ako si kidlat tahimik... watever
the movie wasn't exactly entertaining for people our age
i just cant relate to the character
i spent the entire movie seated next to my homework buddy, yeah boi!
but all good things come to an end
i had to go home and prepare for the family dinner coz its the chinese new year
daming food! all of it chinese dishes... why not japanese dishes for a change?

2006-01-27T20:50:00.000+08:00

waw! friday na naman...
sometimes i feel that time is sow slow, pero ngayon, parang ang bilis
i didn't notice it, but malapit na palang matapos yung freshman year ko
one-half sem nalang...

ang sama ng pakiramdam ko kaninang umaga pagkagising ko
ang tamlay ko... na exhaust yun energy ko
as usual.. maaga ko sa skul kaya i got i chance to take a long nap...
i closed my eyes at around 6:30 pagkagising ko, ang ingay na ng caf 7:10 na pala...
na refresh ako ng nap... i was able to move a little looser, but i still got twinges of muscle pain once in a while kanina... i blame it on my unfaltering dedication to speed's basketball team... hehehe

nanlibre si cara kanina coz its her birthday tomorrow...
sa shakey's kami... wow! ang dami, namin almost the entire block was there
'twas truly a sight to behold, minsan ko lang kase makita yun ibang blockmates ko

we were supposed to have a drink sa cantina, but unfortunately, di na raw sila nagseserve ng drinks in the afternoon... sow jc and i headed towards the train station... i went home na...
i wanted to rest and relax...

here i am now, thinking kung anung plans ko for tomorrow...
at 2 pm, manonood ako ng Perfume Nightmare, with my english block, yeah boi!...
ang ganda ng title eh... parang horror flick... sana naman hindi nakakatakot or depressing... then again pag nakakatakot... (ehehehe)

2006-01-27T10:15:00.000+08:00

whatta nice week i had
it wasn't all that great, pero wala pa rin si mam lozania kaya pleasant ang mood ko

-3 lang ako sa math midterms... pwede na
at least im not ruining all my classes
nanalo kami ng basketball soac na soac yesterday... woohoo!
dammit every muscle in my body ached... grabe 1-7 pm ako sa covered courts just playing and practicing around yesterday... i think i overdid the exercise...
thank god for sleep

2006-01-22T20:34:00.000+08:00

Friday Jan. 20
When I first saw her, my body lost strength
When I first saw her smile, questioned was I
Felt like sitting next to her, at arm’s length
She was so beautiful, could that be why?

Way before going inside the araneta coliseum for the backstreet boys show at around 6
i saw someone...

i felt
excitement
joy
in a way "high"

but at the same time
lowliness
insignificance
fear
anxiety
curiosity
pain

Enough of that...
After waiting for 3 hours, things started looking up.
the show finally started!
mehn! calvs and i were screaming like fanatics!
shet! what can i say?!
ive always liked boybands, and their songs
ah basta! for almost two hours
i felt a surge of energy, and after so long, i forgot about all my troubles and genuinely had fun.
they sang a lot of old favorites, and included some songs from their most recent cd.
wow! what an experience!

now that im home... my throat hurts
and my voice is croaky...

2006-01-19T21:17:00.000+08:00

Failure!
for the nth time,
Failure!
hehehe...

what can i say?
i came in early this morning as usual
what did i do?
buti nalang maaga rin si denise, may company na ko at least for an hour
nung umalis sya, natulog na lang ako sa libe...
and then nung hindi na ko makatulog, tambay ako sa speed until fil time...

after fil...
kain sa usual place, and then tambay sa speed..
i read the first few pages of Chicken soup and it brightened up my day... ang funny ng mga stories...

yellow cab...
Happy Birthday Kia!
nanlibre sya ng pizza...
nabusog ako dun...

after everything before the basketball game...
sinamahan ko muna sa chris hanggang sinundo sya
and then tambay uli sa speed till game time

basketball
im sorry speed peeps... we lost
we were simply outclassed in that game

2006-01-16T21:16:00.000+08:00

grabe!!!!!!
kala ko madali lang yun practice problems sa math
damn #2 problem! it took supreme effort, and after 1 hour, 4 bond papers of tedious work and calculations! nagawa ko! shet! napaka-fulfilling! wahahaha one problem LT practice! the freakin problem had eleven variables!
mehn im drained!

2006-01-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

i thought of a poem that's a tribute to one of my favorite songs:

Incomplete

i love

2006-01-13T18:23:00.000+08:00

after all the observations,
after all that analyzing,
after all the concentration and deep thoughts,
why didn't i see it?!
how could such premeditated actions fail so miserably?
anyway...

chem LT kanina...
it wasn't that difficult, so i think i did well...

instead of going to area today,
i went out with c1 guys to eastwood,
unfortunately, naiwan namin si calvs... i kept telling them to wait, but no one would listen...
why is everything sow wrong with me today?
is it one of those days?
i was in no mood to play with kids today, but i had some fun in eastwood nonetheless
i ate lasagna for lunch
then tambay na sa arcade
sang some songs and played the hand dance thingy
balik sa skul, got my math stuff
and then went home with calvs
i wonder what next week has in store for me?

2006-01-11T20:01:00.000+08:00

whew! a wednesday
half of the week has already gone by... and still...

nakaiinis talaga yung english teacher namin... but i wont blame her, ganun lang talaga siguro si mam... ang hirap lang talaga mag-adapt to her methods... cant blame us students either... utterly boring yung style nya, and she has the excitement of a television... kapag brownout...

on the other hand... i love my lit classes! i take everything i said about my lit teacher last sem... sobrang enlightening yung classes ni doc lulu, i totally appreciate literature now because of her. i have started to look even deeper, to see the true beauty of the written word. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! super duper fun ng lit ngayon!

chem is starting to get scary now... ive a gut feeling of impeding difficulties... lalo nang may long test kami on friday... jeez, i better prepare... maybe tomorrow... hehehe

lunch was conducted in mcdo today with the usual c1 guys... unfortunately calvs left early...
i was supposed to help chris in math sa mateo today, but i left my ID at home so i couldnt hang around in school lest i get caught... so sa mcdo nalang kmi nag-aral after umalis na yung other guys...
i also saw a pleasant surprise sa mcdo... mehn!
i said hi of course...

2006-01-06T21:32:00.000+08:00

boy, whatta week!
i do believe im getting to appreciate my MWF english classes a little more
in fact, i look forward to english class, but its not because of our teacher, i dont like my english teacher. ang daming pinapagawa... grrrrr!!!
if only walang heavy assignments ngayon... sigh...

im finally finished with my chem report
what a relief!
im quite surprised that everything went on quite smoothly, pero... nag-yawn si martha in the middle of my report! grabe naman oh! a few minutes lang, bored na kaagad?!

"so this is what poverty feels like, utterly frieless" - A Long Wait
hehehe... buti nalang binilhan ako ni chris ng cheeseburger to go with the fries... nakumpleto yun lunch ko... thanks chris!

after goin to the libe for an hour to do some researchin, tumambay ako sa mateo...
i was pretty surprised to see calvs and chris working on their project alone... nasan yung grpmates nyo?
i tried to help them with their project, but unfortunately, i didn't...
so i just chatted with the beautiful people of the speed table for a quite some time, therefore leaving the two to work...
we played this round robin game, and got a lot of laughs... kaaliw naman, kaya pala sabi ni ericka, "grace is the butt of jokes".

after their project, sinamahan na muna namin si chris for a while before dumating si denise
umuwi na kami ni calvs afterwards...